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Tuesday, 20 January 2009

In honor of my great-grandmother

One of the greatest matriarchs, the most generous and thoughtful woman, has just passed from this world on Thursday, January 15. My great-grandmother, whom I call Tata. She was born during the reign of the last emperor of China, in February of 1904 (Qing Dynasty). She lived through the nationalist party reign (Ming Guo), World War I, then II during Japanese occupation. She faced the life-changing communist revolution, horrible cultural revolution, and the rapid technological/capitalist revolution after the opening of the Chinese government. Her own mother died giving birth to twins when Tata was 4 years old. She got to live 100 years beyond her mother, to meet her own great-great-grand-daughter. The hardships she endured and tragedies she saw were numerous during her life, but she always focused on the positive. Though she lost her oldest son when he was in high school to the Japanese, and another 8-year-old daughter to trauma; though her magnanimous father, a doctor who owned land as gifts from grateful patients, was tortured as a land-owner during the communist revolution, and all her family possessions were stripped away; she only talked about the good things, such as her father providing tons of mosquito netting in the summer and blankets in the winter to the needy. Her hardships also included having an arranged marriage to man from a prominent family, who unfortunately had a failed business and ended up gambling away her prized possesions and jewelry. She also took care of her daughter (my grandmother) and her four grand-daughters when they lost their father while the youngest was only one-years-old. She went from a wealthy lifestyle with servants, being an educated daughter of a doctor who ran his own clinic/hospital out of their large well-endowed home, to living in poverty for many many years, without complaint. And she always remained beautiful inside and out. She thought of everyone else and their happiness before she thought of her own. Even on her deathbed, when she knew she was dying, she instructed everyone else to go have dinner when it was dinner time, to not worry about her. She is a woman I can only strive to be like. I can't imagine what it was like to live her life with such grace. I dearly miss her. Even though I only had the chance to see her about twice a year most recently, her presence here on earth always filled my heart. Despite her age, her death still came suddenly for us, a shock when it finally came. She was doing well up until just before she died. I thought my mom would be able to see her for her 105th birthday in less than a month, and that Zalea and I would be able to see her again this year. Unfortunately, for us that was not the case, but fortunately for her, she did not have prolonged suffering. I still dearly miss her. This Chinese new year will be the first in 105 years that she will not be on earth. That will be hard for us family. However, we take comfort in knowing she believed in Christ, our Savior, so we look forward to a time we will meet again. We are so thankful for her life, the tragedies of losses and dreams fulfilled, and the lessons she has taught us. We love you, Tata.
Pics of Zalea and Tata in China, last July are at http://zhangnunes.shutterfly.com.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Crazy times:
I think one of the most traumatizing/stressful and emotional times in my recent life has occurred in the last month while I was in the Cardiac ICU. I never ended up needing to CPR or ACLS while in medical school or on the medicine or surgery wards, but I had to do it twice within a week recently. It wouldn't be so bad if I could be detached like most other people who rush in to the code, but these were my patients. One I took care of for over a week, when all the attending physicians thought it would be fine to wait for this guy to have aortic valve replacement before getting a pacer into this guy for his bradycardia. All I could do was tell this guy, who was getting progressively short of breath due to aortic stenosis, that he'll be okay once he could get to surgery. All I could do was give him baby doses of pain meds and reassure him. But he never made it to surgery. He quickly decompensated when they made him lie on his back to shave him for surgery at 6 a.m., an hour before surgery. He kept telling me how much he wanted to live and how he believed the surgery would fix everything. I couldn't get him there. All I could do was get intensivists to come over as soon as possible, try to get air into him, do chest compressions which I know never work for severe aortic stenosis (essentially trying to push blood from the heart to the body through a pinhole), give him atropine, and try to transcutaneously pace him, which also didn't work due to his large chest cavity. It makes me want to cry, why!? This guy even told me he had faith that his God would get him through the surgery. I guess he wasn't really hearing Him, and it was his time, but I still ask why. It sure wasn't the way I would want to die, without really preparing. In the end, only God knows the hour and the day, and the why. We have to trust that He knows what he's doing, because He sees the grand scheme. I see only a small sad part.
My other patient was the sweetest lady who came in the middle of the night with chest pain. She was otherwise completely healthy, taking care of her husband in the hospital who just fell off a ladder. Her EKG changes (ST depressions) were resolving so we thought she was okay to wait for the cath lab in the morning, which would be just a few hours later. She suddenly goes into respiratory failure an hour before going to the cath lab, which leads to cardiac arrest. Fortunately, this time my chest compressions had effect and her heart came back. However, she was bleeding from all of this due to the blood thinners I had her on to prepare for the cath lab. Augh! The poor lady. She ends up having an emergent cath and then an emergent 5-vessel bypass surgery. She was transferred from the CCU to thoracic surgery. I just found out they withdrew support due to several complications that resulted in her becoming comatose. So sad! I tried to reassure her that she would be okay too before this all happened because her chest pain, EKG was improving, and cardiac enzymes were normal... *sigh* What a surprise quick downturn. What a shock! Fortunately, she was awake for a while initially after surgery. I hope the family was able to communicate during that time. I wonder what happened to her husband. The poor family... My heart hurts for them. I still picture their worried heartbroken faces in the CCU waiting room when I had to tell their respective families what had happened. I can never see that waiting room the same way again.
On a brighter note, I am now off the Cardiac ICU. I don't want to handle anymore traumatizing events. I'm trying to get my ophtho elective started. Another half year. Plus, Zalea is 10 months old today! So engaging, fun, and demanding at the same time. =) I have some pics on facebook, but will try to get more current ones up. Ben's parents are visiting for 5 days starting today too, which is nice. Better go join them now. Ben will be flying back in from China today too (he was there for 2 weeks on business). I can't wait.

Monday, 09 June 2008

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

Saturday, 14 April 2007

Happy Birthday, my love, (B)! Thanks for coming for just the weekend all the way from China! I can't believe I married such an old man... haha, Just Kidding!!